Hello Erotic Explorers,
Welcome! My classes are built around a set of core teachings and practices that support embodied learning and interrupt sexual habits. Becoming familiar with these foundations will help you get the most out of our time together.
Here are four key ideas we will explore:
- Our sex drive naturally pulls us toward orgasm, and over time, we develop habitual ways of getting a quick release with as little effort as possible.
- Standing and moving during solo sex helps interrupt those automatic habits, allowing us to discover new pathways of arousal.
- We can take conscious agency over our sexual arousal using practices like Levels of Arousal, which can help us recognize and work with different intensities of arousal rather than simply rushing toward climax.
- Hands-Free Arousal practices invite us to shift genital stimulation away from the hands, freeing them to explore the rest of the body.
These practices form the backbone of the learning we’ll do together.
1. The Pull Toward Orgasm/Release
The human sex drive often triggers a mindless pursuit of orgasm or release. This craving (what neuroscience calls a dopamine-driven wanting system) fuels and sustains many of our habitual sexual behaviors.
These habits often include:
- Shallow or restricted breathing
- Little or no movement in the body
- Tension and squeezing (such as clenching the thighs)
- Mechanical rubbing of the genitals
- Holding back sound
- Mentally disconnecting from the body into fantasy
Most of these patterns were formed early in life, during our initial efforts to reach orgasm. But while they once helped us succeed, our habitual ways of getting sexually aroused now narrow our awareness toward a specific reward, like orgasm or release. Over time, these engrained patterns can dull our sensuality, dampen our creativity, and stifle playfulness, both in solo sex and with partners.It’s no surprise that many people say, “Masturbation is boring,” or “Sex with my partner feels mechanical.” Habit-driven sex is boring, because it’s repetitive, narrow, and often disconnected from the fullness of the body.
One way to step out of the powerful grip of the “wanting orgasm” mode is through conscious erotic self-regulation. This means learning new sexual skills while letting go of the limiting arousal habits that no longer serve us.
Erotic self-regulation refers to the many ways we manage our sexual arousal, through both upregulation, which involves increasing neural firing and intensifying arousal, and downregulation, which involves decreasing neural firing and calming arousal.
Common upregulation strategies include:
- Watching porn
- Clenching muscles
- Holding or restricting breath
- Using intense vibrators
- Taking stimulants or other substances
Common downregulation strategies include:
- Ejaculation
- Allowing attention to wander (distraction)
- Using substances like alcohol or other depressants
- Feeling shame or self-judgment
Before class begins, take some time to reflect on your own sexual history. Start by bringing awareness to how you regulate arousal, both in solo and partnered sex.
Perhaps make a list of your go-to methods for upregulating and downregulating arousal. This awareness of what has become automatic is the first step toward conscious self-regulation.
I also recommend you explore the following three solo sex practices which are foundational for the teachings and practices you will engage with in all my classes. It is helpful to state your intention before each practice session.Your intention doesn’t have to be high-falutin. It can be “I just want to get off and go to sleep.” But hearing yourself speaking why you are getting aroused can be powerful.
2. Stand and Move While You Masturbate
Most of us have developed solo sex habits that involve sitting or lying down with very little movement. These positions often support unconscious, repetitive patterns of arousal.
To disrupt these patterns, try masturbating while standing and gently moving your body. At first, this may feel awkward or unfamiliar. That’s a sign that something new is happening. That awkwardness is where the learning begins.
Pay attention to how standing and moving changes your experience of arousal:
- Does it shift the intensity?
- Do new sensations emerge?
I recommend standing for most solo sex practices. After each session, you might jot down a few notes. Much of the learning in this class will come from hearing about the experiences of your fellow classmates. Our first class will begin with our experiences of standing and of speaking our intentions.
3. Explore Different Levels of Arousal
Sexual arousal can be understood as a spectrum, ranging from no arousal to orgasm. Many of us rush past the stages in between, focusing only on the goal of orgasm/release. Recognizing and naming these stages of arousal can enhance mindfulness about your arousal spectrum.
I use a simple 1-to-5 scale to map the spectrum of arousal:
- Level 1 – The first subtle stirrings of arousal in the genitals
- Level 2 – Low state of arousal
- Level 3 – Significant arousal
- Level 4 – High arousal
- Level 5 – Orgasm/ejaculation/release
The Levels of Arousal practices invite you explore each of the first four levels of arousal. Begin by spending 10 or 20 minutes in each level. Transitions will take time. As you practice, linger longer. Notice the sensations gradually expanding beyond the genitals and pelvis into other parts of your body. You can even choose to spend whole sessions in one level of arousal.
Maintaining levels of arousal will probably require new upregulation and downregulation skills. As with any somatic learning, your ongoing self-regulation practice will demand focused attention.
Note-taking after each session can be helpful and offer guidance for future practices. Where do you most enjoy lingering? What level made you feel the most alive? Which levels took the most effort for you to maintain? Many people discover that their favorite level of arousal is not what they expected.
4. Practice Hands-Free Arousal
Because our hands are so central to most habitual solo sex, hands-free arousal offers a radically different pathway to erotic self-regulation. It invites us to shift out of well-worn patterns and explore new movements and sensations.
One way to explore hands-free arousal is by standing and thrusting into an anchored Fleshlight or against an anchored vibrator. This setup allows the arms, shoulders, and chest to relax, releasing habitual tension from the upper body and enabling more easeful breathing. Many people report that hands-free arousal brings unexpected feelings of joy, freedom, and playfulness.
It’s important to clarify: hands-free doesn’t mean you stop using your hands altogether. Instead, your hands are liberated from focusing solely on genital stimulation, and can now massage, caress, and awaken other parts of your aroused body.
A note for beginners: during your first hands-free sessions, you may occasionally need to use your hands to upregulate arousal.
For many people, hands-free arousal can feel like learning to masturbate for the very first time. Hands-free arousal has the added benefit of improving your hip movements and thrusting skills in lovemaking. Enjoy!
Try It for Yourself: Begin by visiting the anchoring videos for Fleshlight and vibrator to prepare your setup. As you start your Hands-Free explorations, notice what this new way of solo sex feels like. Is it exciting? Strange? Frustrating? Intriguing? Are you willing to stay with the practice for a few sessions? Sometimes, what starts out feeling awkward ends up becoming deeply pleasurable. Might this become a new favorite way of pleasuring yourself?
To support your exploration, we offer two videos of people individuals experiencing their first Hands-Free session:
You may want to practice along with Robin and Jack as they experiment with breath, movement, and sensation. They are learning to pay attention to their bodies while also enjoying porn. As you watch, notice the role that porn plays in their sessions.